Friday Night Funnies: Quick To Judge!

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home bound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. HOWEVER, Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, so she decided not to wait... and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient!
Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Protestants watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
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A Desert Love Story

Once upon a time there was a very handsome
male camel with two huge camel humps.

He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump.

As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps.

They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy.

They finally decided on......
.
.
.


You ready for this?????
.
.
.


'Humphrey' !!!!!!!!!!.

Oh, stop whining and groaning!!!!!!!!
It's a nice story . . .
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The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables

I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!
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Dear God,

This year I'd like to have a fat bank account and a slim body.

Please don't get them mixed up like you did last year.

AMEN
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Horny Hot Tub Party.
And you were expecting. . . what, exactly...?
Sometimes I worry about you.
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At least Steve was working before this:


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A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near Highway 7
early one cold December morning.
Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the low
shrubs. The buck was magnificent, a once in a lifetime animal. His rack
was huge.
The hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and
Crockett points. Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold
scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.
As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his
friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down Highway 7.

The hunter pulled away from the gun stock, set the rifle down, took off
his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was stunned, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching
thing I have ever seen you do. You actually let that trophy deer go to pay
respects to a passing funeral procession.

You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call
you a friend."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years."
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Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

AND MY FAVORITE.........

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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Have a great weekend, be warned, we are sending our cold weather east, while we will be basking in plus 5 weather. Problem is our back alleys are going to be mush. My husband had to pull two neighbours out already, and it's only going to get worse.

Why do we have huge lawnmowers for the summer and only shovels for the winter?