Friday, May 27, 2011

Friday Night Funnies: Ever Wake Up In Someone Else's Bed?

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Canada.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant
thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of
charcoal-grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle,
and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh-baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they watched the boss leave work early.
One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and
surprise her husband, but when she got to her
bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and
was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette
and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
Ever wake up in someone else's bed?
Clumsy bestman or fake?

Golfing problem:
You are golfing and have just hit your golf ball into a buried lie in tall grass.
You know it is very difficult to hit the ball back into play from that type of
lie. Well, there is now a product that can remedy that frustrating situation.

Click Below

The Big Daddy Rescue Club!
 The Patient Grandfather

A woman in a supermarket is following a  grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . .  easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice,  "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but y ou were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.  William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . ... .the little bastard's name is Kevin."
This girl has talent, and guts! She's only been playing piano for three years.

Psalm 2011

Obama Is the shepherd I did not want.

He leadeth me beside the still factories.

He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.

He guideth me in the path of unemployment
For his party's sake.
Yea, Though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.

He has Anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.

Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.

I'm glad I am American,

I am glad that I am free,

But I wish I was a dog,

  And Obama was a tree ! ! ! 
How close to a train track can you set up a vegetable market?

And as the grand finale.........

The largest condom factory in the States burns down.

President Obama is awoken at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency!
I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned
to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms
will be gone by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all
those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with
this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about Canada?"

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Stephen Harper and tell him we need five million
condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll
continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama runs out to open the
first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived.

He finds five million condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, just as
.... all coloured with red maple leaves with writing on each one:

Enjoy your weekend, I still have planting to do and it should be a perfect weekend to get everything done......well except for the new patio, but that's my husbands project, it only took him 10 years to get around to finishing it!


maryT said...

The piano solo was fantastic.

West Coast Teddi said...

Thanks for the FNF - a great way to end the week and start the next. Question tho - what's a week to a retiree?