Friday, February 03, 2012

Friday Night Funnies: Psalm 2011

Texas Beer Joint Sues Church

In Mt. Vernon , Texas , Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer”, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means".

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not." 

Psalm 2011

Obama Is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me Beside the still factories.

He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment
For his party's sake.

Yea, Though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.

He has Anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.

Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days
of my life, And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.

I'm glad I am American,
I am glad that I am free,

But I wish I was a dog,
And Obama was a tree!
Where does one get this sticker?

Psalm 109:8
My wife and I were in slow-moving traffic the other day and
we were stopped behind a car that had an unusual Obama
bumper sticker on it.
It read: "Pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8".

When we got home my wife got out the Bible and opened it
up to the scripture. She started laughing & laughing. Then she
read it to me. I couldn't believe what it said.
 I had a good
laugh, too.

Psalm 109:8 ~
"Let his days be few and brief;
and let others step forward to replace him."

At last -- I can honestly voice a Biblical prayer for our
president!  Look it up -- it is word for word!  Let us all bow our
heads and pray.  Brothers and Sisters,
can I get an
"Dogs Welcome"
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a
Midwest town he planned to visit on his
Vacation. He wrote: I would very much like
To bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed
And very well behaved. Would you be willing
To permit me to keep him in my room with
Me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel
Owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating
This hotel for many years. In all that time, I've
Never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,
Silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never
Had to evict a dog in the middle of the night
For being drunk and disorderly. And I've never
Had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed,
Your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your
Dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay
Here, too."

The Last Nickel 

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son... 
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. 

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face...
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.. 

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. 

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly...After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. 

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.. 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No" the woman replied. "I'm with Revenue Canada ".

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.  She reaches for a
baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.  Once she's done,
she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay
in our bedroom. 

Did you say ‘hello’ ?
Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church,

I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.  
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.  My wife, Diane,
has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a
terrifying conclusion.

Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I
immediately called the police.  I gave them my location,
confessed that I had left my keys in the car and that it
had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered.
I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in
the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence.

I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's
voice.  "Ken" she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well,
come and get me.”

Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman
I have not stolen your car."
Have a great weekend. I feel sorry for those people in Europe who are freezing while we are at a balmy 2C.  We can handle the -30C weather, but I prefer if we don't have to, so thank you El Nina! OH, you thought it was "global warming"? HA..... silly you!

1 comment:

West Coast Teddi said...

Globull warming is why we invented oil and gas so we could heat our homes and keep the truck running 24/7 so it won't freeze up.

thanks for FNF