Saturday, March 03, 2012

Friday Night Funnies: Why We Love Children.

Dating in the1960's  

 It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964, and Fred had a date with Peggy.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

'Have a seat in the living room.
Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at
the Berni Inn, maybe take a walk on the beach..'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again !!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy burst into the house and slammed the
front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
'The bloody dance is called the Twist !!!'
 Cats Rule! HA!

A bloke goes to Tesco and notices an attractive
woman waving at him. She says: 'Hello!
He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from.So he says:
'Do you know me?'
To which she replies:
'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever
been unfaithful to his wife, and he says:
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had
sex with on the pool table with all my mates
watching while your partner whipped my bum with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly:
'No, I'm your son's school teacher.' !!!!!

Why do we love children? 

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'  

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..' 

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle. 

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'  
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?' 
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.  'It sure is,' I replied.  Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do? 

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' 
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'  'And why not, darling?'  'You know it always gives you a headache the next morning.'  

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.  The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!) 
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'  
Us red necked, Conservative gun loving, FEMALES, think this is hilarious. You check out the Conservative female MP's in Parliament, not only are they a good looking bunch, they all hunt together. You can bet their hubbies are not purse carrying, metrosexuals either. 

An Uplifting Story –

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

One day in his despair he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have either arm!

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk, so happy and going on with his life."

He hurried down and caught up with the armless man. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had almost committed suicide. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with zero arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. The one-armed man asked, 'Why are you so happy, anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy!! My balls itch.

A heart-warming story like this just makes one want to cry.

Top Comment for this one?  Sings better than Justin Bieber.

Last night, my daughter just walked into the living room and said,

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately. Throw out all my clothes, take away my TV, my stereo, my iPhone, and my iPod. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or give it to Goodwill. Then sell my car, my horse, and laptop. Take my front door key away from me, throw me out of the house and rent my room out. You must disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my sisters."

Well, she didn't put it quite like that.

She actually said:

“Dad, I have decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign”.
 Us golfers are waiting for the opening of our courses:


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday.
What's the weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that's not it.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What's the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back? 
If only spring was just around the corner, but I suspect winter still has a few surprises for us. Get out into that clear cold air this weekend.

1 comment:

West Coast Teddi said...

Might just take in a round at the driving range. Is spring here yet?

Thanks for the FNF ... everyone yell fore, four, for!!