The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
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2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
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3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
-----------------------------------------------
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
-----------------------------------------------
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
-----------------------------------------------
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
-----------------------------------------------
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
-----------------------------------------------
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
-----------------------------------------------
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
-----------------------------------------------
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
-----------------------------------------------
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart.
Then you are just an old sour fart!
-----------------------------------------------
One for the ladies........
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
-----------------------------------------------
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
-----------------------------------------------
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
-----------------------------------------------
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
-----------------------------------------------
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
-----------------------------------------------
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
-----------------------------------------------
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
-----------------------------------------------
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
-----------------------------------------------
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
-----------------------------------------------
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
-----------------------------------------------
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart.
Then you are just an old sour fart!
-----------------------------------------------
One for the ladies........
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .....'
And they say blondes are dumb.
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you.'
-----------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.
'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?''What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .....'
And they say blondes are dumb.
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you.'
-----------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
---------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough
-----------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
-----------------------------------------------
Can't imagine ANYONE wanting him now, after all the shit he has spread.
Thought you might like to see this ad taken from Craig's List recently:
Fifty year old manure spreader - $1 (Washington, D.C.) Date: 2012-02-14, 10:21AM EST
Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been
produced in Kenya. Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled
into the US via Hawaii. Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have ever
been worked very hard. Apparently it was pampered by various owners over the years.
It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can really spread the manure and sling
it for amazing distances. I am hoping to retire this manure spreader next
November. But I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way. I
would prefer a foreign buyer who is willing to relocate this manure spreader
out of the country. I would be willing to trade this manure spreader for a
nicely framed copy of the United States Constitution.
Location: Washington, DC
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Eye Candy For The Ladies:
Here Are Some Neck Exercises for Women
Are you one of these women who spends hours in front of their computer? Do you end up with a neck ache and tension in your back?
Well, here are some very helpful exercises for you:
Your neck feels better now, doesn't it? You're very welcome!
------------------------------------
A man was sick and tired
of going to work every day
while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see
what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put
in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home.
I want her to know what
I go through.
So, please allow her body to
switch with mine for a day.
'
God, in his infinite wisdom,
granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough,
the man awoke as a woman...
He arose, cooked breakfast
for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked
up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank
to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put
away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced
the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box
and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1 P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust, And sweep and mop
the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up
the kids and got into an argument
with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and
got the kids organized to do
their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board
and watched TV while he
did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling
potatoes and washing
vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops
and snapped
fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids, And put
them to bed.
At 9 P.M. He was exhausted
and, though his daily chores
weren't finished, he went to
bed where he was expected to
make love, which he managed
to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke
and immediately knelt by the
bed and said: -
Lord, I don't know what
I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my
wife's being able to stay
home all day.
Please, Oh! Please,
let us trade back. Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have
learned your lesson and
I will be happy to change
things back to the way
they were.
But you'll have to wait
nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
of going to work every day
while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see
what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put
in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home.
I want her to know what
I go through.
So, please allow her body to
switch with mine for a day.
'
God, in his infinite wisdom,
granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough,
the man awoke as a woman...
He arose, cooked breakfast
for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked
up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank
to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put
away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced
the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box
and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1 P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust, And sweep and mop
the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up
the kids and got into an argument
with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and
got the kids organized to do
their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board
and watched TV while he
did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling
potatoes and washing
vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops
and snapped
fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids, And put
them to bed.
At 9 P.M. He was exhausted
and, though his daily chores
weren't finished, he went to
bed where he was expected to
make love, which he managed
to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke
and immediately knelt by the
bed and said: -
Lord, I don't know what
I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my
wife's being able to stay
home all day.
Please, Oh! Please,
let us trade back. Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have
learned your lesson and
I will be happy to change
things back to the way
they were.
But you'll have to wait
nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the guys.....The winner of the wet t-shirt contest is......
Okay, I lied. This really has ended up being a man bashing kind of post, but, hey it's sort of fun!!! How about this for eye candy?
HA! Sorry I just couldn't resist! Okay, Okay, I'll behave. Really I will.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Alright, to end this post, I really will give you guys some eye candy because I hate to see grown men crying in their beer.
Simple Alcoholism test that you can take in the privacy of your computer......
This is a test to determine if you are an alcoholic..
If you saw the bar sign, you are an alcoholic.
-------------------------------------------------
Have a great weekend. Three out of four rain barrels are now full. The rain was badly needed and you can already see the grass getting green. More of the same for tomorrow. If this is what Vancouver is like in the winter, they can keep it!
Thanks to my wonderful contributors for all the jokes, it makes my job really fun and easy.
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