Friday Funnies: Put Down That Coffee!

Redneck Housing!
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I'm serious, do not have any beverage in your mouth while reading these Friday funnies, your computer screen will appreciate it.

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil,and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetchscrewdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right arm. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect Mutant Cat from Hell, and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1. Wrap the pill in bacon.

2. Throw it up into the air.

Wait, the best is saved for the last.
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Subject: Shirley Goodnest & Marcy!

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking
to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give
him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was
safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbour if she would
please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he
probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her
toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as
well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbour and her little girl set out following
behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour girl he knew. She
did this for the whole week.


As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little
friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every
day all week.

Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to
school all week? Do you know her?' Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I
know who she is.' The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?'

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm
with my prayers, cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it
says, ' Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life',
so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

Just a little bit longer....
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IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingston, Ont.

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Gatineau, QC
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WARNING: West Coast Teddi, put down your coffee cup, and stop eating before you watch this video! Don't say I didn't warn you! My husband came downstairs to see what I was laughing so hard about......


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Okay wipe the laugh tears from your eyes. Have a great weekend!