Saturday, November 13, 2010

Friday Night Funnies: The Shredder

My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game.

"You have to count my strokes," my brother told him.

"How much is six plus nine plus eight?"

"Five," answered the nephew.

"Okay," my brother said, "let's go."
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 Remember that couple who snuck into the
White House with
No credentials?
(answer after this joke.....)
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The Shredder

A young engineer who graduated with distinction, was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
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 They are still there!
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LOT 'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,
'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced
triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
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Some dogs need lots of work, this is one:

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 If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.  (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its  head  before it starves to death.    (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home ;maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
 (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
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Lutheran Airlines.....No images, just a really funny commentary! 

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 (Lefties......this is a JOKE! Oh, why do I bother?)
Government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have ... The course of history shows that as a government grows, liberty decreases.-- Thomas Jefferson
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For your stupid time wasting game of the week, we have, make deer jerky! Keep your thumb on the space bar to reload.

Jokes brought to you by two very special people, you know who you are, thank you! I am busy getting our parkas out of storage this weekend.....a cold front is coming! As if we Canadians didn't expect snow sometimes soon!

2 comments:

West Coast Teddi said...

I hope your dogs can do all the things in that video!!

Thanks for the FNF

Laurie Johnson said...

Luthern airline. Hilarious sounded just like my grandpa. If there was vidio though the narrator would have to have a cup of tea with half a pound of sugar in it to be authentic.