Friday Night Funnies: Curtain Rods

It's a bird....no it's a bear!
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A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asked the child.
'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'
Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block..'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS !!!!!!!!! )
The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
If you're not smiling check your pulse...
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This I would never, ever do!

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CURTAIN RODS --- PRICELESS

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house..
The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.


Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.


Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth .... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.


She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.


A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......


..... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING
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Camping tools:



And two tools:


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Sex in the Shower.

In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut), people from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, 86% of Detroit 's and Chicago 's inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison just yet.
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The guys will like this, but what amazed me was the pure athletic ability of these women, in high heels no less!

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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father, without the need for any physical connection. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.
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Wooden leg insurance

A man and his wife, moved back home to
Missouri from Texas . The husband
had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in
Texas , it cost them $2000 per year!

When they arrived in Missouri , they went to
an insurance agency to see how much it would
cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and
said: '$39.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was
so cheap here in Missouri to insure it because
it cost him $2000 in Texas !

The insurance agent turned his computer screen
to the couple and said,
'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any
wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39.
You just have to know how to describe It!'

(Those “Show Me Missourians know how to git
'ER done", don't they?)
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This video has over 12 million views!

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ATLANTA AIRPORT -
You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others.. Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "
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Finally, the stupid addicting game of the week....this one is for golfers. It took me five times before I got the ball in the cup. Here is another one.... My married name generated 453 others, but my maiden name only generated one other person with the same name in all of America, now that's cool!


Have a great weekend! Leaves are starting to fall.