Friday Night Funnies: Celebrity Homes

Here we are at the end of the work week, sitting back and relaxing knowing that we can sleep in tomorrow if we want to. I love Fridays! Let's get started.
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A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque,
she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
and tries to write with it.
When she realises her mistake,
she looks at the flabbergasted cashier
and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some asshole's got my pen!'
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A guys kind of football!


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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES. '
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS.

And, furthermore. ...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1.. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' -
She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2.. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' -
She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. '

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' -
She is a 'PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1.. He does not have a 'BEER GUT'...
He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME'
- He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. '

4. He is not 'BALDING'
- He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS ' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants
- It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE'
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The United States Center for Contagious Disease Control has issued a level 1 warning
about a new virulent strain that has been quickly spreading. The disease is contracted
through dangerously high-risk behavior.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectem, and is pronounced "gonna re-elect 'em."
Research has confirmed that most victims contracted this dangerous and destructive
disease after having been screwed in November 2008.

Epidemiologists are amazed at how destructive this disease has become and have
further learned that it is easily cured....by simply voting out all incumbents!
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Celebrity Homes:

John Travolta


Oprah


Tiger Woods

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PLEASE, I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay?

I put in a bid for a "Mickey Mouse Outfit", and now it seems I am only six minutes away from owning the TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS!


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THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A CANADIAN GIRL

The first man married a woman from North Carolina. He told
her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning..
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home
to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from South Carolina.. He gave
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes
and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but
the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw
his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was
a huge dinner on the table..

The third man married a girl from CANADA. He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed,
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't
see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by
the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and
he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was
healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load
the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he
pees.
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Speaking of dishwashers.....A girls kind of dishwasher:

Hi Everyone,
I feel terrible for asking, but I do need your help. And who other than friends and family, can I really ask for help?

I urgently need to sell my new dishwasher. My significant other is NOT HAPPY that I've wasted money on this particular model and insists that I get rid of it ASAP.

So, to keep the peace in our home, please help by making an offer or forwarding to someone you know that may be able to help. All offers will be considered.

Thanks again. I know I can count on you.

I have included a picture below.


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And for your stupid game of the week:

How Much Do You Know About Golf???

This is multiple choice. If you select a wrong answer, the ball moves onlyso far down the fairway and stops and you are charged with one stroke.

Keep selecting the answers that you think are correct and the ball movesdown the fairway until you get the right answer and the ball goes in the hole.

If you have the correct answer right away, the ball goes directly in the hole - a hole in one.

To play click here!!!!!

I finished at par, how did you do??
Enjoy your weekend.