Another week is gone. I have noticed that the sun is getting up earlier and staying up later, can we smell spring soon? I have been getting all my seed catalogues in the mail, I love trying new flowers every year, but dang seeds are getting expensive! Oh well, it's Friday, so forget your troubles, and enjoy!
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GLASS EYE
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies…
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
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A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.'
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is a fine old Dutch name and is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Nope, not ever.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years .... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!'
I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'
'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?
He reads the enclosed letter ...
'Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said.
I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.
I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
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A great job of support against cancer. The Pink Glove Dance, the janitor is hilarious!
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Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along..
The conversation went like this...
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response .... total silence)
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An English Professor wrote on the chalkboard the following:
“A women without her man is nothing”, he then asked the students to punctuate it correctly.
All the males wrote:
A women, without her man, is nothing.
All the females wrote:
A woman; without her, man is nothing.
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Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses...She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex..." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
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An 80-year-old man goes for a physical... All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
'Ethel,' George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'
'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!
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Think you're a word expert? Try word whomp, at least get the carrot, don't embarrass yourself!
Have a great weekend, it's snowing out tonight, that beautiful soft fluffy first of the season kind of snow, and it's so quiet out, a perfect night to go for a walk with your dog.... or cat!
3 comments:
I liked that dance song. It sounds kind of like the song played at the J&K Wedding (remember that one that went viral?). Who is the singer? Not having teenagers, I'm kind of out of it music-wise. Actually, the moment disco hit, I stopped listening and have resided comfortably in the 1960s and 1970s music ever since - plus the classics, of course.
Pack up some of that snow in your new "Scott Brown Truck" and bring it out to Vancouver for the 2010 Games - the flowers are starting to show already. No need for expensive seads out here (hehe).
Thanks for the FNF
I am waiting for a report from you on how the ndp/lib rallies went in Edmonton. They flopped in Lethbridge and Calgary.
I call the whole day a flop, especially the speeches by Mr Iggy and Layton. Somebody send them the message, the UN has canceled the Jan 31st deadline for reporting plans for 2020. And there is another report out that ohoh, there are other errors in reports on climate change.
Both of them mentioned Jan 31, and we have done nothing. Well, neither has the rest of the world. Copenhagen has proven to be a complete bust.
Hopefully the budget will reduce or cancel any funding to green groups, for jobs, etc.
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