Hello and thank you for calling The Provincial Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 REPEATEDLY.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.
This coming week is
National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering
to contact at least
one unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done .. Your turn!!)
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A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer.' Some interesting responses:
"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my Mom gets."--Tim, 7 years old
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'--Mellanie, 7 years old
"My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny."--Grady, 7 years old
''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'--Toby, 7 years old
"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.--Sarah, 7 years old
"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool."---Lilly, 7 years old
"I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'--Shirley, 7 years old
"My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense."--Jack, 7 years old
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Should these ladies hyphenate their names?
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A picture of my Sadie girl, she was failed out of the assistance dog program because of allergies, but she has adopted a great family, and is happily being just a dog!
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Enjoy your Friday night, or Saturday morning. Get out and volunteer. After the debates, I sense a momentum building for a majority. Call it female intuition, call it a sixth sense, or witch craft (HA), but it's there, just like the smell of fall in the air, go out door knocking and give it that tiny push, one voter at a time!
8 comments:
Thanks for the laughs.
Need to laugh the BT's are too serious sometimes.
Thanks Daryl! I often wonder if anyone reads the Friday funnies because I usually don't get any response to them, but if some of you are enjoying them, I will continue them!
Hunter, this is the first Friday blog of yours that I have read. I loved the nose job video. That was hilarious.
I voted last night in the advance poll. I'm blue, through and through, and loving it. God Bless Stephen Harper.
You sense 'momentum' after the debates?!!!!! Most people haven't woken up from them. And your mental illness joke....must be a scream for familiies dealing with it.
Hey, Southern Quebec - lighten up. People who experience real suffering are the first to joke about it. You should hear some of my dyslexia jokes. Why do I joke about my dyslexia? Because I do not "suffer" from dyslexia. I "live" with it - emphasis on "live". That's what I do - I live my life to the fullest. My favourite joke about dyslexia was in Stitches - there was a fellow sitting at a table and there was a huge sign above him which read: Dyslexics of the World - UNTIE. My doctor came out to the waiting room to see who was laughing hysterically. I still laugh when I think about it - UNTIE instead of UNITE. Oh, and I'm also ADHD, have reduced motor control due to spinal meningitis in the first year of my life, and my eyesight sucks. But, I have a great life. Despite my motor control issue AND the onset of serious arthritis from my knees to my toes, I hike like a madman. And, despite having asthma, I hike up steep inclines and have a ball doing it. I even make inhaler jokes while I'm gasping for breath.
So, if I can be humourous about it, you can lighten up. And, let me ask you this - have you never ever told a joke which could be construed as being discriminatory, offensive to women or men, offensive in any regard?
Did you hear the one about "a death by a thousand cold cuts"? Absolutely hysterical....
Hunter, please, please, please keep on with the Friday Funnies. Apart from you and Chucker, politics gets taken much too seriously, and I really look forward to them every week.
I am tempted to make a rude comment about "Southern Quebec", but it is just too sad and pathetic that people have to look for some kind of insult in every joke.
Another Saturday morning and another good chuckle. Thanks
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